Sunday was our annual block party. It’s the one day of the year where everyone on the block comes out, socializes with neighbors, and our kids get to play in the street. We brought out our Step2 roller coaster thinking we were so cool…then suddenly 2 other neighbors came out and lined up their identical roller coasters with ours. The next 6 hours were spent grilling food, chatting, and having epic roller coaster races.
At one point, an overly friendly woman joined the party with her son. Apparently she lives a few neighborhoods away, but a friend in our neighborhood had invited her to join. From my super judgmental standpoint, I was unsure if she was married, but she seemed to glom on to my husband and stay at home dad friend. As they worked the grill, cooking hot dogs for the masses, this lady was laughing away and occasionally touching their arms as she squealed with glee. Seriously, by the end of the night these two guys had more compliments and flirty touches than their wives give them on their birthday (minus the bj which probably would have been a nice touch though).
My first impression was to hate her for laughing at their dumb jokes, and then she asked if I had any sunscreen. I brought over a spray bottle of the same stuff I had just used on my own children…and this bitch looks at me and says “Oh, this is so bad for you. It can get in their eyes, and it leaves a cloud when you spray it. You really shouldn’t use this kind. I only use organic lotions on my son.”
I took a deep breath, then suggested she borrow someone else’s, or simply spray it on her hand then apply it to her kids face. I should probably note that a few minutes before, while applying it to my 3 year olds face I realized that she has not mastered the art of closing both her mouth and eyes at the same time.
At the end of the day, when she went to take her son back to her own neighborhood she ended our encounter by air kissing me. While I appreciated her not breaching my personal space, the air kiss made me hate her even more.
So, clearly I suck at making new friends, but if you are interested in applying please note the following rules:
- It’s ok to judge the non-organic snacks I give my kids when you see them eating cotton candy dipped in Slurpee’s, but don’t call me out on my sunscreen.
- Do not attempt to hug me, and for fucks sake, do not attempt to air kiss me.
- Do not flirt with my husband, or any of my married friends. However I will wing man all day for a single friend.
- I perfer to spend the majority of time either in my house, or within a 5 block radius of my house, so you have to be willing to come to me.
Somehow I don’t think I will be getting many applicants, but as I always say to my 3 (not related to me) friends, “Its quality over quantity”. Obviously they don’t listen to me, or they wouldn’t be friends with my crazy ass…